conversations with yourself

'You let her go.'

The Ritsu that you can't recognise, the Ritsu without the headband, without the school uniform, that makes no effort to hide her sketchiness as you do, looks disapproving as she says this. Of what, you don't feel quite ready to wonder, so you ignore her words for a moment, forgetting as well to wonder how the hell you'd gotten here, and trying to step closer, see who, or what, she really is. But the further you step, the more she begins to fade, so you stop. You stand still, silent, waiting for her to continue, as, if she's not here to talk, you don't really know what she's here for at all.

Wherever here is.

'Who?' you ask. You know better than anyone else who, but you have a feeling if you don't say anything she won't say anything more either, and, whatever this is, you want to get it over with.

'Don't ask questions you know the answer to,' she says.

'You wanted me to ask it!' you snap.

You don't know how you know, but you know it's true. She knows it too, and she wants to get this over with as well, so, as bickering won't get either of you to this common goal any quicker, she smoothly returns to whatever topic she had been trying to strike up initially.

'Why'd you do it?'

You know that she's the one asking questions she knows the answers to now. You each know what's going on in the other's head, and you each know where this conversation, if it could even be called that, is going, so you don't really see the point in it. But you oblige her with an answer anyway.

Or, at least, you try. Somehow saying it aloud is a lot harder than you thought it would be.

'Because that's what she wanted.'

'Was it really?'

You glare at her.

'Of course it was.'

'But what if it wasn't?'

'It was.'

What is she trying to do?

She frowns at you. She seems to be... trying to explain something to you through these questions, but apparently she doesn't know how to do it herself.

Still, she persists.

'Ritsu?'

You nod.

'She's in Tokyo University now - you gave her no reason to stay even when she asked you for one. Next time you see her, if you ever do, she might have a boyfriend - in fact, it's quite likely she will.'

'I know,' you snarl. This Ritsu really is quite profusely irritating. It makes you wonder if other people think that of you. 'But it's the least she deserves. I've been holding her back for far too long.'

She's silent. At last, you think. She looks around herself, and, despite yourself, you curiously follow her gaze. Which is when you realise - just a moment ago, you were in the bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror, about to brush your teeth and afterwards trudge wearily to bed, but now, there's you, there's her, and there's nothing but fog.

'You never thought about your future goals or whatnot, did you?'

You turn to her again, only to find her glare burning into your own so intensely your eyes are actually, physically beginning to hurt. Blinded by the pain in every possible sense of the phrase, and, somehow, unable to verbalise a response of any sort, you weakly shake your head.

'But you're thinking about them now.'

'I... suppose...' you manage to admit.

'Why do you think that is?'

You shake your head again, unable, now, to actually focus on what she's talking about at all. All you can possibly think about is the goddamn excruciating pain.

'Isn't it because...'

It's spreading. Like a wildfire, from your eyes to your chest....

'... you didn't feel a void before?'

To the very tips of your fingers and your toes...

'And isn't that because you had her? You don't know how to spend a day without her, but now you'll have to learn. You don't want to, either.'

Your nerves are ablaze, you can't see a thing, you can't breathe, you just can't -

'Because she's everything you ever wanted, everything you ever needed, your purpose, your goddamn destination, and now -'

It stops.

Just as suddenly as it began, it ends. You can see again, and the pain is gone. You find yourself sprawled across the floor, the sound of Satoshi knocking on the door and asking you to hurry the hell up ringing distantly in the background.

You should probably be wondering wistfully what that was all about, thinking it was just a stupid daydream, and feeling relieved that it's all over.

But you know that would just be lying to yourself.

So, as you finally begin to recognise the Ritsu you thought you didn't know before, you decide it best to finish her sentence for her.

After all, from today you've finally learnt that nothing really seems to sink in until you say it aloud.

'She's gone,' you whisper. It's hoarse, it's pained, but you can hear it well enough.

And you cry.